Cheney’s visit boosts troop morale

Vice-President Dick Cheney paid a surprise visit to the troops in Iraq on his way back from the Far East. “It was pretty amazing,” said Marine Lance Corporal Cannon Fodder. “He suited up just like the rest of us and came along as we made a sweep through Anbar province.”

Cheney, who prohibited the press from the mission, said he “just wanted to see what the situation was on the ground.” The unit with Cheney came under fire as they entered Fallujah, and the Vice-President returned fire from a forward position until the rest of the unit could take cover. “I’ve always respected Mr. Cheney as a man of selfless dedication and conviction,” said the unit’s commander, “but I had no idea he would demonstrate such bravery in combat.”

Later in the day, when a suspected terrorist refused to cooperate, the Vice-President took over the interrogation and applied a battery of stress techniques, short of torture, until the suspect began to name names.

At the end of the day’s mission, Cheney gave an inspirational talk that repeatedly brought the Marines to their feet, in a performance that veterans compared to the likes of General George Patton. Back in the nation’s capital, the Vice-President cut short any talk of a medal and downplayed the incident, saying only that one of his great regrets in life was that other priorities prevented him from serving his country during the Vietnam conflict. His nation-wide approval ratings, already high, soared to their highest level since the 9/11 attacks, especially after he announced that he was donating all the proceeds from his Halliburton stock to a private fund set up to care for Iraq war casualties and their families.